It would have been Tom's 50th birthday. Before saying anything about it, I must share with you this unbelievable card, made by Christian, 6 years old, for his daddy. I had to share this first, because if you read no further, you must know how intensely these boys get what life and death mean at a gut level.
Two cliffs – one with Daddy on it, the other with Christian on top. A bridge that supposed to connect the two cliffs drops down into the chasm and the railings of the bridge spell out, "HaPP bthday dbddeey". To fill in the gaping depth that separates Christian from Dad, Christian drew a huge cross.
Now I can continue with the details of that day. One of my friends who checked in on me that day told me, "Most widows would spend the day trying to forget about it.... you're always so different! So I never know if I should be thinking that it was all roses for you, or if I should be worried about you??!!!"
Absolutely there are roses- with thorns of pain- but there is joy in knowing that I'm embracing challenges as they come up.
In Matthew 8:26, Jesus reprimanded the disciples, "Why are you such cowards, such faint-hearts?" Then he stood up and told the wind to be silent, the sea to quiet down: "Silence!" The sea became smooth as glass.
Can you imagine a simple birthday making a coward of me? But it could.
I so get why a widow would prefer to just forget about her husband’s birthday. Daunting feelings of loss leap out at you, stinging you just the way it did when you first found out that you’ve lost him forever.
And by now, I'm so tired of firsts. First Trick or Treat, first vacation, first Christmas, first Easter, first birthday. It seems like an endless train of ceremony that I want to just "forget" about it.
But Christ asks us not to be faint of heart. He shows us by standing up and telling the wind to be silent.
Forgetting about a significant day doesn't work for kids or for me - it just pushes the terror of loneliness beneath the surface where it will bubble up in other ways.
As I looked at my four boys, who so loved to celebrate life with Dad, I knew exactly what I needed to do. Not run from that storm – silence it! Deal with it openly and honestly.
So the boys and I had a plan. We included crafts, a visit to the grave site, a hike and pizzeria outing, a bike ride, and a movie rental.
The day started very sad and awkward. The boys were acting so weird that I had to cut short our morning devotion, and get started on making cards and crafts for Dad. At first even that was awkward- some of the boys breaking into tears at the smallest of their errors, as though the entire work of art was now unworthy of Dad’s approval. We all knew what the tears were about – what was ruined wasn’t the card or craft, but the reality of having Dad with them here on earth.
Their tears dried and they became more resolute in their artwork when convinced that Dad sees everything through the eyes of Christ now. Imperfections in the artwork are simply evidence of the love and joy in the children’s hearts.
We brought the crafts to the site where Tom is buried and flew a model airplane there. There were also silly string battles and bubbles and a round of "Happy Birthday to You" to celebrate.
We went hiking about a mile away from our house to a pizza restaurant. This was something Tom did with them a lot. They had a blast getting muddy in the red clay "quick sand" and climbing mud hills.
We rented Spiderman II at Blockbuster and got Krispy Kreme Donuts at Harris Teeter and hiked back home.
Then it was time to pull out the bikes. We had them all repaired just for Tom's birthday. And Christian taught himself to ride a bike just this weekend. We rode on our neighborhood trail and on our cul-de-sac. Something so simple, but the kids LOVED it!
Then we settled down with the movie and sang Happy Birthday once more with the Krispy Kreme donuts in place of a cake.
The kids went to bed content that we honored Dad in a Tom kind of way.
The storm was silenced.
Thank you, Lord, for answering our obedience to celebrate with joy rather than to cower in defeat.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Matthew 11:30 "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
You know the quality of a friend when she is willing to chop the head off of a snake for you!
Okay, it wasn't a copperhead. But it could have been! I could explain the whole story, but Michelle already has on her blog right here.
What I love about Michelle is her integrity, which shows through every thoughtful comment and action. When she heard my voice on the phone, and probably figured that I’m not the type of gal who freaks out about critters, Michelle seemed to recognize that what I really needed at that moment was just a reassuring hug.
There is something very emotional about seeing a snake – it drums up anxieties that you may not have realized are there.
I surprised myself when tears welled up. But the tears weren’t really about a snake. They were about me missing my knight in shining armor who would rescue me from snakes!
At that moment I just needed someone at my side as I experienced a rush of missing Tom.
It’s a strange new role I have, figuring out how to be the bugs and snakes and backyard parent too!
L. B. Cowman says to "flee every symptom of the deadly foe of discouragement as you would run from a snake. Never be slow to turn your back on it, unless you desire to eat the dust of bitter defeat."
Seeing that snake helped me recognize subtle snakes of discouragement that were beginning to form in my life.
What a wake up call! I realized just in time how I was missing Tom even more recently. With the change in weather, the boys are adding new demands on me to be outside and do what Tom used to do on top of managing the home. Grieving Tom is healthy, but only if I’m doing it by leaning on the Lord.
Lord, thank you for showing me that snake before discouragement set in. Thanks to You, I recognize that I started to carry my burden by myself, and now I've turned it over to You. Thank you for placing Michelle there at that moment as Your Hand, helping to carry the burden. You never fail in Your promises, and Your yoke is light.
I will flee the snakes of discouragement and choose to be honored that You consider me ready for snakes and spiders!